i am the social misfit.

I’m starting to second guess the comfort I’ve been feeling with my development into a social hermit.

I don’t really go out, I don’t hang out much with people outside of my family on the occasional weekend… I’ve been focusing on my schoolwork and enjoying the time I spend in solitude. I have liked having to only worry about myself, keeping my own appointments when I make them, not wondering if X friend is really going to show up like they say or bail out on me again, keeping my own timetable and doing my own thing. It’s been nice, to say the least.

However given the pressure I’ve been feeling from my mom to get out and do something, hang out with people, I’m wondering if the choices I’ve made to socially isolate myself for the sake of schoolwork was such a wise decision, after all.

I mean, honest to goodness I really have loved it. It’s sad to say when I think about it, but I have loved being the master of my own world for the past year. I’ve never liked to do the things all my friends have liked to do anyway. They all like to go dancing, or go to big parties, or drink till they’re passed out. I hate dancing, I hate big parties, and I can’t even down two beers in succession without feeling like I’m drunk, let along drink enough to pass out. I don’t know, I just haven’t felt like what I’ve done, how I’ve gotten to this point, hasn’t been all that bad. It’s not like I mean for this to be how I live the rest of my life. Do I miss connecting with people who enjoy the same things I do? Sure, of course.

But then again I’m wishing I’d been able to have that “typical college experience” that everyone else around me seems to be having, to have had these past four years. I feel like I missed my opportunity to find a niche I’d have fit into here at school. Like, it was there somewhere, and I just wasn’t lucky enough to find those people and make the connection early on.

I’ve also taken to looking at my recently former romantic relationship, born out of an internet game of all places, as a testament to how far I’ve slipped away from the community of people around me. Not to say that I haven’t enjoyed the friends I’ve made via Cybernations, they’ve been some really great friends. But I miss going to see people, having people come hang out with me, showing off my new place, going out to eat, to the beach, to a concert… where ever.

I suppose I can only make the effort to slowly allow myself the time, again. I’ve been denying myself from people for so long… Here I come, world. I hope you’re prepared for my awkwardness!