hmph.

You know what? He's right. You are crazy. Crazy for letting me go. I think of all the times you told me how much you loved me, how many times you (I guess jokingly, now) asked me to marry you, asked me to come live with you and wonder well, if all that was true, then how could you even stand to let me go? How? I mean, you called us soul mates. Soul mates, huh? I guess once your ex came back into the picture the process of waiting for me to get there seemed too far away, to long to wait, when you had people you could rekindle an old flame falling right at your door step. And to think you told me not to worry about them, that you'd never touch that again, told me to trust you. So what did it all mean, really? Did it mean anything?

letting go is the hardest part.

Last week, my boyfriend of a little over a year broke up with me.

I keep replaying the conversation over and over in my head, trying to think of things I could have said differently to make him understand that he didn't need to do this... I keep feeling like I missed some chance to prevent this from happening, that had I said something different, gone in at another angle, even said nothing at all that day, maybe, just maybe he wouldn't have pushed me away.

It's hard, when you love someone with so much of your being, get so comfortable with a person that you feel like it could never end, that they'll always be there for you and you'll just, be together forever, it's hard when suddenly it's all ripped from you in an instant, in the time it takes to say "I'm sorry." If feels like your stability is abruptly ripped out from beneath you. It feels like drowning and you can't get enough air, can't breathe with the suffocating weight that he's not there for you anymore, he's not yours, your not his. You feel empty, broken, like part of your soul has been cleaved away. It sends me reeling when I think back to a brief conversation we'd had not weeks earlier; he asked me about a book series we both had a dear love for, one of the things we first found we had in common, he asked "Wizard's First Rule or Faith of the Fallen?" I picked the latter, asking him why he asked, and he said "Just making sure we're still soul mates. You picked right, by the way." Quite literally we had these little moments all the time... And they send me reeling to think it was only a two weeks ago they still happened. And it astounds me that they're gone now.

A line springs to my head from a Shinedown song that pretty much prompted me to write this: " If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong; if you only knew how I refuse to let you go, even when you're gone." That's essentially what I've been doing all week, where I am emotionally right now. Despite the fact that he's gone, I can only barely admit it to myself that it's over. It hurts my heart with a deep and real pain to think about it. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing when I fall asleep, no matter how busy I've been trying to keep myself during the day. Parts of me want to just let it go, wish I could just be free from the hurt that I feel. And yet I don't want to let it go, fearing the finality of such an act. I don't want this to be real, even after a week has past. I'm still waiting to get that message that says "I'm sorry, please take me back, you were right I need you." I fear I'll be waiting a long time. He became my everything in the year we were dating. Now I feel lost and hopeless.I wander about in a daze sometimes, lost in memory and dreams now shattered. Haha, how ironic, considering the name I chose for this blog. It would seem I'm now one of the lost who wander.

But then... part of me is angry. Angry because of how much I had put into this relationship, how much I had built my future on the fact that I had every intentions of uprooting myself to be with him, because he had asked, because he led me to believe that nothing would get in the way of that, not even distance. Angry because though he knew this he ended it for nothing. Angry because he quit, didn't fight for us. At the first sign of hardship he dropped it all. My mother gave me a little insight, when I told her why. She said men can't multi-task. If this isn't a good example, I don't know what is. Even when I was willing to sacrifice some communication with him to keep this together, he still rolled over and refused to fight. And so part of me is angry at him for giving up when he threw away one if his best tools for fighting through this... Sometimes I don't know how to deal with that anger. Should I say something? Should I let the anger overwhelm the hurt and push away any thoughts of a future together again? "If he can't handle a relationship through something like this what would happen if he got married and had kids and went through tough times? You're better off without him if these are his true colors when you apply a little stress." These emotions and thoughts confuse me, make me wonder what to do with what ever you would call our relationship now... I just don't know what to do.

The wound will heal over time, I guess. It feels good to be able to sit and sort the maelstrom of emotions out in my brain, visualize them in an organized way. Almost calming. I still love him though. I fear I always will. My hope right now is I'll never get the chance to know what it's like to truly have to finally move on from this...