Help Me Save Upward Bound

Alright loyal followers. I'm here to hit you with some heavy stuff. This is a matter of life and death. Well, not really life and death, but it's really frigging important. Not just to me, but to thousands of kids across the country, and kids I work with daily in the summertime. The umbrella program TRIO is on the verge of being defunded, and my program, Johnson State College Upward Bound, is only funded till May of next year if we don't get the funding we need. The 65 kids are about to lose their chance to get to college and make a better life for themselves, who would otherwise not have the chance. I'm going to beseech you to spread the word, help keep education for everyone as a civil right alive in this country, something we need more of, not to cut on a whim to save money. Now I'm going to give you guys some excerpts from the letter I wrote to send to Vermont's representatives in Washington, pleading to help us keep TRIO, and Upward Bound, alive. 

TRIO Programs “provide services for individuals from disadvantaged backgrounds… targeted to serve and assist low-income, first-generation college students” (TRIO Home Page) in their quest for post-baccalaureate programs.  As a former student from one of TRIO’s programs, Upward Bound, and a current four-year employee of the summer residential program, this news deeply concerns me. It concerns me not only because I benefitted from Upward Bound as a student, but also because I have watched many students successfully complete this program and go on to college after high school when they otherwise would not have. I believe very strongly in this program, and I strongly feel that it would hurt our children’s future and our country’s future if we were to cut the funding to TRIO programs such as Upward Bound.   

I joined the Johnson State College Upward Bound Program in the early spring of 2005. I was a sophomore in high school and was not planning on attending college, despite my mother’s preaching about how I will (and my sisters, too) go to college and get an education.  

Regardless of this I wasn’t convinced as a high school student. I didn’t want to go to college; I was in the stereotypical rebellious stage, and wanted to move far away. However one man helped me change my mind; Director of Johnson State College Upward Bound, Tony Blueter. I was recommended by one of my teachers at school, and soon I was in one on one meetings with him and my mother. He pulled for me to join, said he was making an extra spot for me when realistically he had a full program already lined up. His hook was “What are you doing better with your summer?” Truthfully I didn’t have anything better to do. We had just moved and I had changed schools the previous fall after spending one year at Burlington High School. I wasn’t excited for the summer or about school in general. So I begrudgingly signed on to the JSC Upward Bound Program for the summer of 2005.   

The rest is history: I spent two summers there, some of the best summers of my life, learned about getting into college, how to apply, how to write college essays, how to fill out a FAFSA, where to look for scholarships, what it’s like living in a college dorm with strangers, and found some of the best friends I’ve had. I graduated high school in 2007 and was accepted into the University of Vermont, where I attend today. It really is an experience like no other, and a life changing one besides. 

As a result, I felt obligated to give back a just a little bit, and became a summer residential employee for the program. Since the summer of 2008 I’ve been living in the JSC dorms during the residential part of the program and helping the students realize their own potential, and helping them realize they can go to college, too. I’ve watched some of these students grow over a period of three years and the progress they’ve made is astounding. It’s just amazing that these students do homework and class work willingly, driven to do something more for themselves than just settling for mediocre, more than average. That is one of the goals Tony strives for; we aren’t going to settle for average, we want to be the best and every one of us working with Upward Bound believes we are the best. 

Looking back now I am so very grateful for the nagging and support I was given by my family, and equally important, Tony Blueter.  He saw potential in me that I did not and somehow had me curious. From that one meeting on I was indeed hooked, and Upward Bound has been a monumental part of mine and my family’s lives. As an employee I have watched my youngest sister bloom into an amazing student and wonderful person, independent, strong willed, and driven. I owe my college career and future in the high school teaching profession to this program and the unwavering support I’ve received for the past seven years. 

My point is this program means the world to hundreds of thousands of high school students, their families, and the adults that work with them, Upward Bound and all of TRIO included.

So now I'll ask that, if this has touched a single nerve in your heart, sign this petition to keep TRIO programs alive. Please guys, help me out and sign this petition. I owe Upward Bound so much; my career, my college education, the rest of my life, and I don't want to imagine a world where kids like me don't get the same chance I did. I don't want to see the students I work with all summer long suddenly have that same chance ripped out of their hands by people who will never know how hard it is to get to college, or how much it means to them to be told "We believe in you" when no one else has before. Please help me out, help our nation's children out. Sign the petition.

Our goal is to reach 10,000 signatures and we need more support. You can read more and sign the petition here:

http://www.change.org/petitions/tell-washington-dont-cut-funding-for-our-nations-most-vulnerable-students

my nerdy vice.

For those of who you don’t know, I play a game called Cybernations, a massive multiplayer online geo-political simulator. Players assume the role of a national leader of a fictional nation they create and then run. I obviously have a nation, and have been playing since March 2008. Anyway, it pretty much revolves around community interaction between players/alliances and “Planet Bob” politics between said players/alliances. Some alliances have a radio to discuss in-character and/or out-of-character (IC and OOC respectively) issues. Myself and an alliance mate were invited on one of the more prominent alliance’s radio stations, NPO’s Bootleg Radio. It was quite fun, and I thought I’d share it. Each part is linked below, there are five parts.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/23950561/Bootleg%20-%20Negotiation%20Redo%20Stagger%20Kahlan%20Show%20P1.aac
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/23950561/Bootleg%20-%20Negotiation%20Redo%20Stagger%20Kahlan%20Show%20P2.aac
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/23950561/Bootleg%20-%20Negotiation%20Redo%20Stagger%20Kahlan%20Show%20P3.aac
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/23950561/Bootleg%20-%20Negotiation%20Redo%20Stagger%20Kahlan%20Show%20P4.aac
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/23950561/Bootleg%20-%20Negotiation%20Redo%20Stagger%20Kahlan%20Show%20P5.aac

alleys are cool.

I really like taking photos of alleys for some reason. This is the best one I've found in Burlington so far... I saw better ones in Montreal a couple weeks ago. If you want to see more of my photos check out my DeviantArt page.

the wheels on the bus…

Do you ever make up stories of what people the you see on the public buses on a regular basis do when they get off the bus?

I find myself doing that from time to time. The older lady with the water bottle who walks two blocks away to a stop when there’s one right across the street (I don’t think she likes people), who gets off at the St. Mark’s Catholic Church stop and goes to the senior center across the Ave and down the road to do… something with old people. Or else sits in St. Mark’s all day praying. They refugee women with babies strapped to their backs with swaths of cloth who go to some cultural center after they drop their kids off at school. The weird creepy guy who sometimes gets on with an armload of white dress pants and shirts that honestly look like they’ve seen better days. The neo-Nazi with the devil horns tattooed on his head (he even displays them in the winter, takes his winter hat off and everything. I haven’t been able to think of a reason as to why he does that, beyond some driving need to show them off) and probably works at Yankee Tattoo, or for some reason I can picture him in the Christian Science Reading Room next door. Or both.

I don’t know why I do this. I guess you wonder what these people do with their lives when you’re not all sharing the same air on a sometimes crowded bus, especially when you see them more often than you do the members of your immediate family. Not to mention sitting on two buses twice a day gets immensely boring. It makes me wonder what people think of me when I’m sitting there on the bus, going about my student business. I wonder if they think I’m a stoner, a punk, a flatlander, a hippy. Of course I’m none of those things. It makes you think about how much a first impression can really impact how you’re looked at by people, even when you’ve never once said a word to each other.

ohai there.

This post goes out to my good friend Stagger Lee. He knows who he is. :wub:

i am the social misfit.

I’m starting to second guess the comfort I’ve been feeling with my development into a social hermit.

I don’t really go out, I don’t hang out much with people outside of my family on the occasional weekend… I’ve been focusing on my schoolwork and enjoying the time I spend in solitude. I have liked having to only worry about myself, keeping my own appointments when I make them, not wondering if X friend is really going to show up like they say or bail out on me again, keeping my own timetable and doing my own thing. It’s been nice, to say the least.

However given the pressure I’ve been feeling from my mom to get out and do something, hang out with people, I’m wondering if the choices I’ve made to socially isolate myself for the sake of schoolwork was such a wise decision, after all.

I mean, honest to goodness I really have loved it. It’s sad to say when I think about it, but I have loved being the master of my own world for the past year. I’ve never liked to do the things all my friends have liked to do anyway. They all like to go dancing, or go to big parties, or drink till they’re passed out. I hate dancing, I hate big parties, and I can’t even down two beers in succession without feeling like I’m drunk, let along drink enough to pass out. I don’t know, I just haven’t felt like what I’ve done, how I’ve gotten to this point, hasn’t been all that bad. It’s not like I mean for this to be how I live the rest of my life. Do I miss connecting with people who enjoy the same things I do? Sure, of course.

But then again I’m wishing I’d been able to have that “typical college experience” that everyone else around me seems to be having, to have had these past four years. I feel like I missed my opportunity to find a niche I’d have fit into here at school. Like, it was there somewhere, and I just wasn’t lucky enough to find those people and make the connection early on.

I’ve also taken to looking at my recently former romantic relationship, born out of an internet game of all places, as a testament to how far I’ve slipped away from the community of people around me. Not to say that I haven’t enjoyed the friends I’ve made via Cybernations, they’ve been some really great friends. But I miss going to see people, having people come hang out with me, showing off my new place, going out to eat, to the beach, to a concert… where ever.

I suppose I can only make the effort to slowly allow myself the time, again. I’ve been denying myself from people for so long… Here I come, world. I hope you’re prepared for my awkwardness!

Where, or when, does the Fourth Amendment come into play here?

You know, I'm really not looking forward to boarding that airplane in December. Not because I dread the destination, no I can't wait for my two week mini vacation.

Recently these new "Backscatter Full Body Scanners" and the new (and more intrusive) body pat downs have been all over the news, and the internet. I read in another blog today about a guy who was denied boarding his plane because he refused to be violated and then groped by a TSA Agent, then told he was going to be fined if he didn't go through the process before leaving the airport! I just saw another news spot about them on TV just now (which inspired me to post this subject), and how people are getting sick of these inconsistent and cockamamie security measures being taken. I mean honestly, how far are we going to let the government and it's "Homeland Security" violate our Fourth Amendment rights in the name of "security"?

They strip fliers of their dignity by first making them take off their shoes to be scanned, then these ridiculous body scanners that are insanely invasive and revealing, that some say aren't 100% in terms of picking up on everything! And to top it of, some of these bonehead TSA Agents can't even conduct themselves maturely and professionally amongst themselves, nevermind what they might be saying about innocent passengers. To top it off, checked bags going UNDER the plane aren't even scanned with such scrutiny. Who the hell knows what might be going under the plane? Why go so overboard with person security, which can easily be circumvented with cavity bombs, under folds of skin, under breasts, etc, and be so lax about everything else entering the plane? Look at the package bombs from Yemen recently. The only reason those were caught were because of an informer within Yemen, who had definitive information about exactly what packages they were. It's ludicrous that we think people who have real intent to do some damage won't find a way around these invasive procedures and technologies.

Don't get me wrong. I have no problems with security as far as keeping people with intent to harm us off the planes and out of our country. But the inconsistencies, and the intrusion that comes along with them, are too much. Being groped in the expanded pat downs is tantamount to sexual assault in my opinion, and quite frankly invades my Fourth Amendment rights. (If you aren't versed in these, look them up. You really should know your rights.) I'm also not advocating for lessening the security in airports. What I'd like to see are methods that would be less invasive but more effective. Dogs, for example, are the best method of uncovering what would be explosive materials on a person. Metal detectors and less invasive pat downs can take care of the rest. There's also pre-screening technology that requires passengers to give their fingerprints and retina scans, a background check is conducted and if they're considered a low risk, they're good to go. High risk people would be subjected to the more invasive procedures on the spot.

We can't keep everything off of planes. People will always find ways to get contraband on them. But the extent to which we've resorted is insane. I already am extraordinarily uncomfortable with being touched even lightly on a bus by strangers. Do you really think I'd appreciate being patted down up to my privates in front of 50 other people? I don't think so.

hmph.

You know what? He's right. You are crazy. Crazy for letting me go. I think of all the times you told me how much you loved me, how many times you (I guess jokingly, now) asked me to marry you, asked me to come live with you and wonder well, if all that was true, then how could you even stand to let me go? How? I mean, you called us soul mates. Soul mates, huh? I guess once your ex came back into the picture the process of waiting for me to get there seemed too far away, to long to wait, when you had people you could rekindle an old flame falling right at your door step. And to think you told me not to worry about them, that you'd never touch that again, told me to trust you. So what did it all mean, really? Did it mean anything?

letting go is the hardest part.

Last week, my boyfriend of a little over a year broke up with me.

I keep replaying the conversation over and over in my head, trying to think of things I could have said differently to make him understand that he didn't need to do this... I keep feeling like I missed some chance to prevent this from happening, that had I said something different, gone in at another angle, even said nothing at all that day, maybe, just maybe he wouldn't have pushed me away.

It's hard, when you love someone with so much of your being, get so comfortable with a person that you feel like it could never end, that they'll always be there for you and you'll just, be together forever, it's hard when suddenly it's all ripped from you in an instant, in the time it takes to say "I'm sorry." If feels like your stability is abruptly ripped out from beneath you. It feels like drowning and you can't get enough air, can't breathe with the suffocating weight that he's not there for you anymore, he's not yours, your not his. You feel empty, broken, like part of your soul has been cleaved away. It sends me reeling when I think back to a brief conversation we'd had not weeks earlier; he asked me about a book series we both had a dear love for, one of the things we first found we had in common, he asked "Wizard's First Rule or Faith of the Fallen?" I picked the latter, asking him why he asked, and he said "Just making sure we're still soul mates. You picked right, by the way." Quite literally we had these little moments all the time... And they send me reeling to think it was only a two weeks ago they still happened. And it astounds me that they're gone now.

A line springs to my head from a Shinedown song that pretty much prompted me to write this: " If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong; if you only knew how I refuse to let you go, even when you're gone." That's essentially what I've been doing all week, where I am emotionally right now. Despite the fact that he's gone, I can only barely admit it to myself that it's over. It hurts my heart with a deep and real pain to think about it. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing when I fall asleep, no matter how busy I've been trying to keep myself during the day. Parts of me want to just let it go, wish I could just be free from the hurt that I feel. And yet I don't want to let it go, fearing the finality of such an act. I don't want this to be real, even after a week has past. I'm still waiting to get that message that says "I'm sorry, please take me back, you were right I need you." I fear I'll be waiting a long time. He became my everything in the year we were dating. Now I feel lost and hopeless.I wander about in a daze sometimes, lost in memory and dreams now shattered. Haha, how ironic, considering the name I chose for this blog. It would seem I'm now one of the lost who wander.

But then... part of me is angry. Angry because of how much I had put into this relationship, how much I had built my future on the fact that I had every intentions of uprooting myself to be with him, because he had asked, because he led me to believe that nothing would get in the way of that, not even distance. Angry because though he knew this he ended it for nothing. Angry because he quit, didn't fight for us. At the first sign of hardship he dropped it all. My mother gave me a little insight, when I told her why. She said men can't multi-task. If this isn't a good example, I don't know what is. Even when I was willing to sacrifice some communication with him to keep this together, he still rolled over and refused to fight. And so part of me is angry at him for giving up when he threw away one if his best tools for fighting through this... Sometimes I don't know how to deal with that anger. Should I say something? Should I let the anger overwhelm the hurt and push away any thoughts of a future together again? "If he can't handle a relationship through something like this what would happen if he got married and had kids and went through tough times? You're better off without him if these are his true colors when you apply a little stress." These emotions and thoughts confuse me, make me wonder what to do with what ever you would call our relationship now... I just don't know what to do.

The wound will heal over time, I guess. It feels good to be able to sit and sort the maelstrom of emotions out in my brain, visualize them in an organized way. Almost calming. I still love him though. I fear I always will. My hope right now is I'll never get the chance to know what it's like to truly have to finally move on from this...

I miss the days when I had the urge to write. I looked through a bunch of my old notebooks today, looking for some poems that might be good (turns out there were only two, the rest were... super depressing or, well super depressing), and I realized I wrote a lot in high school.

Granted, I was well... super depressed and had a reason. But that's not the point. >_>

Anyway. I love having a journal. I've got some really nice ones too. I always say to myself "Jessi, you're going to start writing daily in your journals again." But I forget. Sigh.

Now you're thinking "But you're writing on a blog, albeit irregularly, but isn't it the same?" No, you e-crackhead. It's not. You can't replace the sheer act of putting pen (or pencil, if you really like smudged fake lead and faster fading) to paper. You can't replace going back and looking at how your handwriting changes from day to day based on what you're feeling when you write. You can't replace the feel of paper under the side of your hand, the sound it makes as you form words. You can't write in your e-journal when the power is out and your laptop is dead. You can't see when you changed your mind about a sentence, a phrase, a word, and scratched out or erased it. There's just something about physically seeing chapters of your life in a bound stack of papers that makes you feel a sense of accomplishment. I can't really seem to get that out of a list of entry titles in a blog... e-journal... whatever you want to call it.

Plus, there's the added sense of security that comes with refraining from posting shit on the internet. Because well, we all know there's no such thing as privacy on the internet. What, someone told you different? They're an idiot, get new friends.

So, I propose to myself a new (late) years resolution: Daily journal entries. Even if they're one sentence. I could stand to write by hand more often anyway... you should see the notes I take during classes. My handwriting has gotten pretty shotty over the past three years, and it really wasn't that great to begin with.

Well hey, this blog has some use after all! Problem solver extraordinaire.

And no, you will not be seeing my hard copy journal entries. Dream on.